I recently read Gavin Ortlund’s new book, The Art of Disagreeing (it’s short—85 pp.).  The subtitle of this helpful work is:  “How to keep calm and stay friends in hard conversations.”  

In our polarized, tribalized, cancel-culture times, Ortlund calls us to pursue a balance of two biblical virtues, kindness and courage:  “kindness without courage is too flimsy; courage with­out kindness is too brash” (p. 18).  Disagreement itself is not necessarily the problem, but how we disagree makes all the difference.

About courage—acting on it amidst a tough conversation means at least three things:  1) overcoming conflict avoidance; 2) being willing to apologize; and 3) standing up for our convictions when we feel the pressure to yield (pp. 42-44).  To clarify:   “Courage is not venting… We must not wound others with reckless words.” 

Ortlund also commends a balance of listening and persuasion (see chapters 3-4).  Listening is “a deep and complicated skill”; it “does not mean agreeing, and it does not call for a blanket passivity” (p. 53).  “Be quick to listen, slow to speak, slow to anger” (James 1:19).  We’re encouraged to pray for a heart of mercy, help to stay posi­tive, help not to take criticism personally, hope for this person’s spiritual renewal, and recognition of our own sin (pp. 62-65).  

If listening is receptive, persuasion is proactive—it seeks to influ­ence others for their good.   Of course, Ortlund is not endors­ing manipulation or imposing your ideas on others in a domineering way (p. 68).   God-honoring persuasion involves building trust, speaking tactfully, helping the other party save face, balancing criticism with praise, calmly identifying points of disagreement, and using arguments (which does not mean being argumentative). 

Chapter 5 is on love:   if Christians love one another (especially when we disagree with each other), the world will recognize that we belong to Jesus (John 13:35).  Love is the key.  But failing to love each other will put obstacles in the way of the gospel!